Chief of Sinners

I have been telling myself for about two months to sit down and write this blog. No, I do not ever procrastinate. ;)

It is official. In 5 weeks and 2 days, I begin my journey to Colorado. I will stop in Kansas City for a week, before arriving in Colorado Springs to begin the Foundations for Counseling Ministry school with the YWAM base there. I feel as though I waited so long for the decision that now, the actual date for my departure is coming up so incredibly quick. I am more torn in getting ready for this new adventure. Before, when I headed off to London, it was mostly excitement at the great new journey that was to begin. There was a little trepidation, mostly at the distance I would be from home. Crossing a great big ocean for a first move is kind of a big deal. With this new venture I'm about to embark on, I am half excited and half sad. Before, I did not have many roots in Michigan, just family. Now, I have more. I've made some lovely friends, both at work and at church, and plugged into a life here. It will be harder to say goodbye, especially as I have no idea what God's plans are for me after this school. Going into my DTS, I knew I would be coming back here after the school was over, but with FCM, I have no such leading, no leading at all. So it is another exercise in trusting and obeying. Onward and upward! :)

This week, I was challenged with a question. Who do I have the greatest tendency to put before Jesus? I didn't have to think long before the answer came. Me. I wish that I could say other people or animals or something that might even seem semi-noble, but the hard cold fact is that when Jesus is replaced on the throne of my life, it is by me. That challenged me even more, because I realized that I had put myself back on the throne. I am currently "in charge", or as in charge as we think we can be. Do you know when you know you're doing something you shouldn't and yet you just don't want to stop? "Oh but I deserve this." "Oh, I've worked so hard." "Oh, that accomplishment was really me." "Oh, I want that and I just don't care about consequences." Yeahhhh, guilty.

Jesus. Take back the throne. I want to surrender to You.

Then tonight in small group, we talked about stains. Things we have done or are doing that we think will keep us from being useful or having a deep relationship with Jesus. I realize my greatest stronghold, when allowing myself to reign, is that I've done such and so, so obviously I can't really do what He wants. Throughout the conversation, I don't know if it was actually said, or just a God-download, that I'm SURE He's tried to get through to me before. It is because of such and so that He can use me. If I was without stain, there is no great love story. There is no Jesus reaching down into my mire and pulling me out and loving me, covered in goo and mud. There is no cleaning process. There is none of the consequence of others knowing of this great love story.

The phrase "Chief of Sinners" has been running through my head all day. Paul talks about that in 1 Timothy 1:15-17. I had been thinking about it in conjunction with wanting my stains to be used, to tell the story. Then I actually read the verses. "This saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance: 'Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners'-and I am the worst of them. But I received mercy because of this, so that in me, the worst [of them], Christ Jesus might demonstrate the utmost patience as an example to those who would believe in Him for eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen" Perfection. :)

So while I am still Chief of Sinners, I no long want that to be my excuse. I want that to be my reason.

I shall endeavor to do a better job at keeping you updated, especially as FCM approaches and then is upon me. Exciting things are ahead!