Break Time

Last week was full of goodbyes. So many encouraging words were spoken over me and my soul is in the process of soaking them all in. I don't know that those who spoke the words truly know how much my heart needed to hear them, especially as they were coming from those who know my heart, who know me. Those last few days are just full of sweet memories. I think I have decided that I hate goodbyes, but I love the moments leading up to them. Strange, I know.

Tuesday was Day 1 of this grand adventure. I drove from Lansing Michigan, to Kansas City Missouri... by myself! I feel quite accomplished now. I'm ready to take on the world and conquer!

I will be here in Kansas City, staying with friends until Wednesday morning. It's just what I need. A break, before pushing hard.

Yesterday, we took a roadtrip to visit Lawrence, KS.

We walked around the cute little town, then had dinner at a place called the Mad Greek.

(Photos stolen from Hannah and Grace)

This week I'm planning on spending some time in the Prayer Room and getting my book read before classes start. In the last month, life was so incredibly busy and emotionally draining, that I haven't felt the opportunity to breathe. This week, I feel is the time for me to breathe and soak, before hitting the grind. I'm not exactly sure what the Lord has prepared for me in Colorado, but I know that it's not going to be all sunshine and roses. But I am excited and ready for His hands to continue to shape me! Thank you so much for all the prayers and support you've given me! Please keep those prayers going heavenward. :) I love you all!

Bittersweet Endings

I am tired. My body is telling me that it is 1:05, but my brain sees 12:05 and tells me I cannot go to sleep just yet. Words brew in my head and I feel the need to write them down. So here I find myself, sitting in front of my computer, a cup of lemonade to my right and a sleeping dog to my left.

The past few weeks have been full of emotional ups and downs. I'm incredibly excited for this school I'm starting April 5th, but I'm also dreading the leaving, not to mention life as we know it in Michigan. In the next two weeks, I need to seriously sort through all of my stuff and get rid of a lot of excess. Then I need to decide what to take and what to pack into boxes. I don't know exactly why, but that is the instructions I have from God. I do not know if He will have me stay in Colorado, or go someplace completely different, or come back here and this is just a trust exercise. But I want to be found faithful in the little things. This is the first time, that I truly feel like after this step, I have no direction. That may not seem like a big deal to you, after all, it's 6 months out, but it's a big deal to me. It's scary. It's exciting. And it's got my stomach tied up in knots at times. This and other things are teaching me peace that passes understanding. Setting my face like flint. Living my life for an Audience of One, not simply an audience. It is not what the audience thinks of me that determines who I am, but what the Audience of One thinks.

The next two and a half weeks will be filled with goodbyes and lasts. Those are so bittersweet. Every time I leave someplace, it seems as though, the last two weeks are always the best two weeks spent in that place. Why is that? What causes that phenomenon? I don't have an answer, but I'll keep thinking. So here I go. Bittersweet Endings.

Chief of Sinners

I have been telling myself for about two months to sit down and write this blog. No, I do not ever procrastinate. ;)

It is official. In 5 weeks and 2 days, I begin my journey to Colorado. I will stop in Kansas City for a week, before arriving in Colorado Springs to begin the Foundations for Counseling Ministry school with the YWAM base there. I feel as though I waited so long for the decision that now, the actual date for my departure is coming up so incredibly quick. I am more torn in getting ready for this new adventure. Before, when I headed off to London, it was mostly excitement at the great new journey that was to begin. There was a little trepidation, mostly at the distance I would be from home. Crossing a great big ocean for a first move is kind of a big deal. With this new venture I'm about to embark on, I am half excited and half sad. Before, I did not have many roots in Michigan, just family. Now, I have more. I've made some lovely friends, both at work and at church, and plugged into a life here. It will be harder to say goodbye, especially as I have no idea what God's plans are for me after this school. Going into my DTS, I knew I would be coming back here after the school was over, but with FCM, I have no such leading, no leading at all. So it is another exercise in trusting and obeying. Onward and upward! :)

This week, I was challenged with a question. Who do I have the greatest tendency to put before Jesus? I didn't have to think long before the answer came. Me. I wish that I could say other people or animals or something that might even seem semi-noble, but the hard cold fact is that when Jesus is replaced on the throne of my life, it is by me. That challenged me even more, because I realized that I had put myself back on the throne. I am currently "in charge", or as in charge as we think we can be. Do you know when you know you're doing something you shouldn't and yet you just don't want to stop? "Oh but I deserve this." "Oh, I've worked so hard." "Oh, that accomplishment was really me." "Oh, I want that and I just don't care about consequences." Yeahhhh, guilty.

Jesus. Take back the throne. I want to surrender to You.

Then tonight in small group, we talked about stains. Things we have done or are doing that we think will keep us from being useful or having a deep relationship with Jesus. I realize my greatest stronghold, when allowing myself to reign, is that I've done such and so, so obviously I can't really do what He wants. Throughout the conversation, I don't know if it was actually said, or just a God-download, that I'm SURE He's tried to get through to me before. It is because of such and so that He can use me. If I was without stain, there is no great love story. There is no Jesus reaching down into my mire and pulling me out and loving me, covered in goo and mud. There is no cleaning process. There is none of the consequence of others knowing of this great love story.

The phrase "Chief of Sinners" has been running through my head all day. Paul talks about that in 1 Timothy 1:15-17. I had been thinking about it in conjunction with wanting my stains to be used, to tell the story. Then I actually read the verses. "This saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance: 'Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners'-and I am the worst of them. But I received mercy because of this, so that in me, the worst [of them], Christ Jesus might demonstrate the utmost patience as an example to those who would believe in Him for eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen" Perfection. :)

So while I am still Chief of Sinners, I no long want that to be my excuse. I want that to be my reason.

I shall endeavor to do a better job at keeping you updated, especially as FCM approaches and then is upon me. Exciting things are ahead!

Rubber Meets The Road

In moments like these, the pressure reveals the growth and maturity of the grapes.

My car has been one of those soap opera dramas, on the road. As I wrote nearly a month ago, I was in an accident and it had been classified as a hit and run. Well, then as I waited for them to decide whether they were going to fix the car or total it, the saturn died twice. They then decided just to fix it. Which was a lesson in learning how to rejoice in an outcome I wasn't necessarily excited about. They got it fixed in a week. Then, I learned, yay God! They waved my $400 deductible. I got my car back yesterday. And now, my car sits in a random parking lot dead again. Thank God I was out with my Daddy, doing some Christmas shopping. The radio and lights started freaking out (I mean that quite literally) and then it was sputtering a little bit, then it came back and then the car didn't want to go and then it died. In the middle of traffic. My Dad doesn't know exactly what's wrong with it, but he's going to figure it out. And now comes the moment of the rubber hitting the road. Will my actions line up with my words? Will I take joy in God for the good and the bad? Will I look for His hand in this? Or will I focus on the annoyance and frustration of an unreliable car?

Choices.

Am I allowed a brief moment of "really??" And then I can pull up my big girl pants and truck on? Haha. Abba, my life is Yours. My car is equally Yours. Use it for You glory. Thank You for Your provision ahead of time.

Gosh. Growth isn't always fun. The grape press isn't nearly so fun as the warm, sunny vine. But the product shall be good in the end, whether or not you like grape juice or wine. ;)

More Than Thanksgiving

I started to write a semi-long status on my facebook, then just decided that I should go ahead and update my blog instead. ;)

For the last couple of months, the "theme" of my life has seemed to be having an attitude of gratitude, even when and especially when things are not going my way. There was one week especially, where one thing after another was going awry. That was actually kind of the beginning of the lesson. It was like God dropped me in "Thanksgiving Bootcamp" (in October!) and said, "Okay Ella, how do you handle this?" Talk about a pop quiz! When He and I got things in a perspective I could handle, nothing could steal my joy. It was probably one of my worst weeks, especially in my performance at work, but it was by far one of the best weeks I've ever had! And since then the lesson has continued to work itself into my life. Going deeper and deeper, learning details.

One of the "details" has been this absolute conviction of my materialism. I recognize this tendency to go to "retail therapy" to make me feel better. It's crazy how quietly the attitude can creep in, right down to the thoughts like: "I just need one more pair of leggings and then my wardrobe will be complete and I won't need anything else." Really Ella?? The lesson has come just in time too! With Christmas right around the corner, having the concept of "things don't satisfy, only I, the Great I Am, can satisfy you" has made the season less stressful. Don't worry, I'm still giving gifts. ;) We'll just say that the focus in my life has changed. Before, with the expense of moving to Colorado looming and possibly having to pay a $400-$500 deductible on my car, would have had me stressing about gifts. Now? No. God provides just the same and the gifts this year will be far more thought put into them than ever before.

You may be wondering about the deductible on my car comment. The night before Thanksgiving, I was driving home from another store that I'd filled in at that day, when I was rear-ended. Those crazy East Lansing drivers. :-P She hit me pretty hard, hard enough to pick my ipod up 6 inches and toss it into the backseat and knock my glasses all the way across the car. BUT! The good out of it, is I narrowly missed hitting the car in front of me and going out into traffic (all while driving pretty blind!) and managed to get stopped and not go hysterical. haha. I also think that I'm safe from whiplash, though I'm going to see a chiropractor on Thursday to make sure. Praise God! However, be praying. I was in shock, so when the gal only gave me a first name and a phone number, I didn't question it and I didn't call the cops right that moment. I did talk to an officer and get the report filed. Just be praying that the girl was legit and we can track her down. Otherwise, the $400 dollar deductible is up to me.

Today has been a fantastic day though! Up early to hear my 6-yr old niece speak in front of her whole school and she did amaaaazing! I'm so proud of those kids and so incredibly blessed that I get to be their Auntie! Got a bunch of errands accomplished, including getting a quote on my car. They said is about 75% to just totaling the car and the quote wasn't complete yet. Poor Reggie. :/ But a new-to-me car wouldn't be a horrible thing either. ;) Either way, we will praise! Got to enjoy lunch with my Momma and an impromptu movie! Arthur Christmas may very well be my new favorite Christmas movie. :) And then snow started and my winter hat came out. This is very exciting to me. Annnnd now? A cozy home and the first wearing of my Serbia slipper-socks. Oh yessss.

Tea+Blanket+Journal+Bible

=Everything this girl could need. And God keeps reminding me of that. Well, the Bible and journal (where I record all God-things) that is to say. :)

I can't even explain it all. It's funny to me, 'cause it seems like I should already know that under pressure is where the most growth happens, but I forget that about 90% of the time. I struggle with the right words. I want you to know just how much God is doing in my life, but I feel as though explaining everything would take a year. Let's just say that God has definitely got my face in His hands and we've been having some deep conversations, about life, relationship, beauty, passion, true love, sacrifice of self and right focus. This month has been full of memories. A year ago, I was in my third week of DTS, living in London and discovering all sorts of things. This month has also been full of all sorts of new growth opportunities, some I've willing jumped at and others I've gone into kicking and screaming, some I've failed epically at and others I've had victory in. Thankfully it's not about winning and loosing. It's about the relationship. It's really cool to see, since last year, the depth that God and I have reached.

Enough of my ramblings. :) Update time! God has given my family a home church. I've begun helping in Wednesday kids' services, which I love! I've also become a part of a life group and that has been so incredibly good. I have started filling out my application for FCM (Foundations for Counseling Ministry). It begins April 5th in Colorado Springs. It's really exciting to be mentally gearing up for another school! It's also a little scary. Yet another opportunity for growth. :) My birthday was this month and now I'm another year older. I'm also working my way through my photography class and loving it. Those are really the big news items currently. :)

"Obtaining earthly ease is not primarily why God shifts our lives around. All God does in our lives and everywhere He leads us has one overarching purpose, which is to deepen our relationship with Him and to further His glory through us." -Lydia Brownback

I highly reccomend the devotional "Contentment: A Godly Woman's Adornment" by Lydia Brownback. A short and sweet book, full of little treasures.

Until next time.

The Stranger In the Seat Across From You

I'm not sure what made him approach me or even sit in the seat across from me, but I'm so glad he did. The brief conversation that followed kinda hit me upside the head. My eyes are now open a little wider.

I was sitting in the cafe at Whole Foods, waiting for a friend who was working. I had my laptop up and was in my own little world, watching a movie and just not interacting with anyone, when a gentleman approached me. He was older, probably late sixties, with hair white as my porcelain skin. ;) Now as I think back on it, I don't know where he came from, he just appeared seemingly from nowhere. I looked up when he asked me a question and the conversation started on an innocent "What's so entertaining on that laptop?" After asking me about HP and whether I had any Apple products, he sat down in the chair across from me. At first I was thinking, "What are you doing? You're kind of creeping me out. You should leave." Then, a thought occurred to me, "What if this guy was plopped down in front of me for a reason?" With a quick prayer shot heavenward, I let God guide the conversation. In five minutes, we discussed photography as a ministry, the work in Serbia, bad people and people who are "good" but still in need of a Savior, and whether all people need a Savior. At the end of five minutes, he got up, shook my hand, told me it was nice to meet me. As he was walking away I got up quickly and stopped him, introduced myself as Ella and learned his name is Ray. I have absolutely no idea how everything was arranged just so for me to meet Ray today, or what he believes on spiritual matters. I do know that he likes Apple products and for whatever reason, needed to have that specific conversation with me today. I also know that I need to stop being so wrapped up in my own world, but that even when I am, God will plop a stranger in the seat across from me to hear what God wants him to hear. Who's the stranger in the seat across from you? What are you doing about it?