The Great Clash

...Between Oppression, Depression, Darkness and The Light.

Today, the sun has peaked out from behind the clouds. The prison door, that was not locked, is being pushed open. I'm squinting against the light.

Ella has been an important name in my life in the past few years. Especially in the last year. You see, it had been a name that someone in my life had used especially for me, so when my heart was broken by that person, I thought I'd never again be called by that nick name. However, when I applied for my DTS, I specifically heard God say to use that as my preferred name, that He wanted to redeem that name. Over the course of those 5 months, I came to LOVE that name again and God used it to speak into my life. There's a popular song that says "Umbrella Ella Ella, ay ay" and those in my DTS lovingly called me by this. A speaker, who didn't know me or this, prayed over me and spoke that I would be standing in the rain, giving out umbrellas to those who didn't have any. I'm not sure exactly what those umbrellas look like, but I'm excited to hand them out! It was also spoken over me, that I had a fire burning in my belly, that I had to share with others. Today, I decided to look up the meaning of Ella. I'm kind of surprised I didn't do that before, as I love name meanings, but somehow, I got to here without doing it. What I found surprised me and touched me. The name Ella means: "Entirely Other, Light, Beautiful Faerie, One From Heaven, Torch."

All of this means so much to me, though I struggle to express it in words. I'm not entirely sure what or where God is calling. I have this vague notion of a Counseling program in Colorado Springs and sometime in my life, going home to Ireland. This journey has had a lot of twists and turns and sudden halts.

In the title, I eluded to a struggle I've had with depression and darkness and allowing the Enemy to oppress me. For the first three weeks of being home, I never mourned that DTS was over, I never cried, I didn't feel the sharp pangs. I was numb. And then, I was in a dark fog. It wasn't until the beginning of this week that it all broke loose. And boy did it. I got angry, I was sad, I cried and then I cried some more. Today, I realized that I was in something of a depression. It scares me how easily I fell into it without even realizing it. That's something that needs to change. But today? I felt the sun on my face and even though a chill breeze blew, I didn't grow numb. I'm not going to allow myself to feel lost, without purpose or to feel that God has put me on the back burner. No, I've been put in a green house and though it doesn't feel like much is happening, this rose is growing and being tended to by the most Loving Hands.

So the Great Clash continues, but it's amazing how much better you can fight when you know the fight is actually going on.