Pesky Sand Between My Toes

Today, my Mom and I went on an adventure. We've done these all throughout my life and I have various friends that I've had such adventures with. Getting stuck in Oxford, in a snow storm, with Romy. A backwoods, late night escapade with Savannah and Hannah. Hightailing it from Blakewell to Sheffield with Becca, Angelica and Andrea. Those are just a few of my grand exploits. I've always thought of those friends and my Mum as people I have adventures with and that I only have adventures with them. Then I realized, that I am the common denominator in all the equations. I bring some of my own adventure into the mix. That makes me smile. :)



We set out originally to find the outlet mall near the Island, only we ended up 70 miles away, in another state, at a beach. Before you ask, yes, it was on purpose. We drove around one such outlet mall and saw nothing that interested us and thought to find another further up the road. As we were driving, we saw signs that the beach was only 60 miles on and said, "Why not?" So we headed into Delaware (a new state for me to add to my list!) and towards Rehoboth Beach. On the way, we cranked our roadtrip music, sang at the top of our lungs and laughed about silly things. About half way there, I noticed a Sonic and we nearly swerved getting there. Our first Sonic in 8 months, since we don't have one in Michigan. Oh how I've missed Happy Hour and my Low-Cal Cherry Limeade. After we were fully stocked up on the delightful nectar and a quick bite, we hit the road again. We had turned off the GPS and were just following a map. Like old times. So much more fun! When we got to the beach, we piled out, cameras and dog in tow. I've never seen a puppy so excited about sand and surf! She would nearly take off flying at the end of her leash in an effort to get there faster. After walking the beach for a little bit, we headed back to a Coldstone we'd seen on the boardwalk of Rehoboth. We enjoyed a cold treat, then it was time to head back home. We hightailed it home, as we had an appointment this evening, that we hadn't realized. It was a grand day.



Even though I didn't take my shoes off on the beach (I wanted to though!), I still managed to end up with shoes full of sand and sand in my socks, between my toes. Sand is all well and magical on the beach, but when you're driving home, an hour later and it's still there, well, it's just plain annoying. It's like these things that are still bothering me. Things I hoped would just go away with time. Thoughts, memories, etc that just keeping nagging at me. I guess, I thought at the year point, when I had hit that magical number of days after the relationship was broken off, that everything would fall off, it would all go away and I would walk away fully healed, barely any scars. Let me tell you, no such magic exists. 13 months later, I'm still dealing with things. I thought, after DTS, everything would be ever so much better. I'd come home full of life and ready for the next step. Try again. I'm realizing that the battle with my old enemies, whether from the relationship, or previous long-held foes, really began in earnest in my school. I have thought to myself, "What is wrong with me? Why is all this still bothering me?" I realize today that there are some things that need to be removed from my life, but that I nothing is wrong with me. It is all in the healing process. It is all in the working through of what God did in 5 months, as well as the next phase of my life. So even though I've had pesky sand between my toes, I will removed the grains that I can and excuse the mixed-metaphor, allow the remaining grains to make a pearl in this oyster.

The Great Clash

...Between Oppression, Depression, Darkness and The Light.

Today, the sun has peaked out from behind the clouds. The prison door, that was not locked, is being pushed open. I'm squinting against the light.

Ella has been an important name in my life in the past few years. Especially in the last year. You see, it had been a name that someone in my life had used especially for me, so when my heart was broken by that person, I thought I'd never again be called by that nick name. However, when I applied for my DTS, I specifically heard God say to use that as my preferred name, that He wanted to redeem that name. Over the course of those 5 months, I came to LOVE that name again and God used it to speak into my life. There's a popular song that says "Umbrella Ella Ella, ay ay" and those in my DTS lovingly called me by this. A speaker, who didn't know me or this, prayed over me and spoke that I would be standing in the rain, giving out umbrellas to those who didn't have any. I'm not sure exactly what those umbrellas look like, but I'm excited to hand them out! It was also spoken over me, that I had a fire burning in my belly, that I had to share with others. Today, I decided to look up the meaning of Ella. I'm kind of surprised I didn't do that before, as I love name meanings, but somehow, I got to here without doing it. What I found surprised me and touched me. The name Ella means: "Entirely Other, Light, Beautiful Faerie, One From Heaven, Torch."

All of this means so much to me, though I struggle to express it in words. I'm not entirely sure what or where God is calling. I have this vague notion of a Counseling program in Colorado Springs and sometime in my life, going home to Ireland. This journey has had a lot of twists and turns and sudden halts.

In the title, I eluded to a struggle I've had with depression and darkness and allowing the Enemy to oppress me. For the first three weeks of being home, I never mourned that DTS was over, I never cried, I didn't feel the sharp pangs. I was numb. And then, I was in a dark fog. It wasn't until the beginning of this week that it all broke loose. And boy did it. I got angry, I was sad, I cried and then I cried some more. Today, I realized that I was in something of a depression. It scares me how easily I fell into it without even realizing it. That's something that needs to change. But today? I felt the sun on my face and even though a chill breeze blew, I didn't grow numb. I'm not going to allow myself to feel lost, without purpose or to feel that God has put me on the back burner. No, I've been put in a green house and though it doesn't feel like much is happening, this rose is growing and being tended to by the most Loving Hands.

So the Great Clash continues, but it's amazing how much better you can fight when you know the fight is actually going on.