Thailand

Well, it's been a month and a half since my last post.  A month of pure craziness and God-stuff.  I don't know that I've stopped moving in the last month.  But it's all been amazing and I know that God was in it all, spoke through it all and changed me so that I'm ever more like Him.


Once we got to Chiang Mai, we found that our plans, really weren't plans.  Meaning that we needed to get something together so we'd have something to do in Chiang Mai.  However, God is always good and always makes a way.  If I am wanting to be used by Him to glorify His name, He will most certainly use me!

While in Chiang Mai, we taught for a week in a Change program, mostly on the Heart Chart and a little on identity.  The girls in that program graduated the Friday after we got there, so we weren't sure what the next 2 weeks would hold.  We made friends with people on other teams and staff at the coffee shop there.  In the next 2 weeks, we got to talk and share and pray with people.  Relationship, exactly what God said this outreach was all about.

We also got to do some fun things like hike up a waterfall (to then slide back down it) and ride elephants!  We went to night markets fairly often and enjoyed just being in Chiang Mai.

In Bangkok, we were with the staff at the MST Project (Men in Sex Trafficking).  The staff go out on the streets to minister to the guys who are potentially looking to buy prostitutes.  We didn't actually go out on the streets with them, being an all female team, but we had times of ministry and teaching for the 3 days we had there.

In all, the outreach was an incredible time.  My heart grew for the people God specifically sent me to Thailand to, funnily enough, some of them being from the USA.  God really loves His people.  He took this girl out of her comfort zone, to a country in which she was hot (which she really dislikes, especially so) and had to be quieter than normal (You all are aware of how hard this is for me right?), just for the people He loves.  When I stop and think about how amazing His massive game of chess is, it makes stand in awe of His love.  And I'd do it all over again.

I leave for Israel in 12 days.  I'll be there for 3 months loving on a family there and doing some work at a plant nursery.  I'm not sure exactly what the next 3 months look like, but I'm SO excited!!!

I'm praying about staffing with the Colorado Springs base come January.  I'd most likely be staffing the next FCM (Foundations for Counseling Ministry school) in April.  This means I'd have to raise 1,000 dollars a month for my support.  This is a bit nerve racking, but exciting to exercise trust as well.

Pray for:
Direction
Supporters that feel called to a monthly commitment
Every new opportunity

Praise for:
An amazing Thailand outreach!
Many new lives impacted!
My life ever changing

Adaptability Is The Name Of The Game

These short but long two weeks in Chiang Rai have flown by. They were short in that we've only had about 2 weeks with this awesome group and long because even with a short time constraint, we've managed to build some great relationships and do a lot.

If you've ever been on outreach, you know that you either learn to be adaptable or you have a miserable time. This had been especially true in this outreach, more so than even Serbia or Rotherham. Growing is never easy. :) We were just joking today about how we started with Plan A, then went to B, then C and now we're on D, watching in case F shows up. As it stands now, we have one more full day in Chiang Rai, then Wednesday we'll head to Burma for a visa run and then back down to Chiang Mai for 3 weeks. The closer we get to it, the less we know exactly what we'll be doing there. Adaptability. :) Early on in our time, God gave a word that our outreach was about relationship, relationship, relationship. And that's what it's been about. So in Chiang Mai, if what we get to do is hang out with the girls who've come out of the Bars, we'll be super exited! If it entails more teaching and small groups and such, we'll also be happy! In whatever we do, we just want to glorify His name. :)

 In the past two weeks, we've been able to meet with some staff for ministry time, hang out with university students (via an exchange camp and a dance party), teach English to 1st thru 3rd graders and lead a small group in the evenings. It's been a crazy few weeks, but so good. I feel as though I've learned more than I've been able to teach. The teacher is ever the student, eh? :) I've made friends with people that I'll be incredibly sad to leave, but that's the point right? This has been an incredible start to outreach!

 Please pray for:
My roommate's sleep (it's come up, but she still needs more sleep than she's getting)
Renewal throughout the days to come, I think we're all a little tired
Safe travels

Praise for:
Great relationships!
New learning experiences!
All the many blessings God has given us!

 I cannot stress enough how grateful I am for your guys' support, especially the prayers. The other night, I was feeling just SO drained and then out of the blue, I begin to feel renewed. I knew someone or multiple people had begun praying. I think when we think of support, it always revolves around money, but seriously guys, I KNOW God will provide for all my needs, but those prayers are so vital. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Eyes and Ears and a Mouth and a Nose

After what had to be one of the craziest journeys on record, we finally arrived in Chiang Rai on Friday. I think we were all on the edge of our seats to find out what God was going to do here in Chiang Rai. We didn't have to wait long, God is definitely showing us, though I don't think we'll ever understand the full implications. At least, not until eternity. What are we doing here, you ask? Quite a bit. In the early afternoon, we split and two go to the university with a group and two go to the primary school to teach English. Sarah and Carol go to the university to hand out flyers about the upcoming Exchange Camp on Saturday, as well as building relationships with the students and eating lunch with them. Karen and I get the joy of interacting with kids from about 5 to 10 years old. I feel almost guilty saying we're their teachers, 'cause I'm having so much fun! Today we had the 1st graders, two classes full of them. We sang "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes," played Simon Says and told the tale of Little Red Riding Hood, then had them draw and write the names of animals (in English). So fun! Then in the afternoon, we've offered up ministry time for the staff, a safe place to talk and pray, if they want it. Putting into practice our Active Listening skills and the Inner Healing prayer skills we've learned. Come evening time, we eat with the staff here in a great big family manner. I love this time! It's exactly what this extrovert needs. I've tried lots of new dishes here. Some I know what they are and others I'm not so sure. The two that stand out are the gelatinized chicken blood, which looks like a dark tofu. The other being a pre packaged yogurt that upon eating, I discovered had corn and beans in it! Crazy! It's a great time of relaxation and conversation. Good food and good company are two of my favorite things. After dinner, we have a small group with staff and students, where we get to share. You never know what God is going to do! Last night we were headed one direction with a topic, in our planning session and then got to talking about how God has really been teaching me about His love and ten minutes before we left, we knew God would have me speak on that. So in 10 short minutes, I pulled together what I had and that's what I spoke on for about 25 minutes. So cool! Tonight, we're continuing with the Plumbline teaching, having built a solid foundation of His faithful love.

Thank you so much for your continued prayer and support. I can feel the prayers all the way across the world.
 
Praises:
We made it safely!
God is opening up awesome doors!

Prayer Points:
Inspiration to new and creative ways of teaching.
Renewed strength every day.
Ears to hear and eyes to see.

And then God says, "Surprise!"

This week has been wild and crazy. I think I met myself coming and going. After I wrote my last blog, I went back to the base to find out we were under pre-evacuation. Not even two hours later it turned into mandatory. And I found myself running out the door to my second family on the northern end of town. As I was driving, I looked back over my shoulder and could see the flames. I broke down crying then and there. My home was near the biggest natural disaster of the yer in the states and it might be eaten up by flames. At that point all I could think if was "I left my hairspray, if the fire reaches the base, it will explode." then relief came thru some laughter. The next few days were spent in intense watching of the fire and prep for outreach. I wasn't sure if I would be able to get back home to pack for Thailand, so I had a lot of extra stuff to do. I don't think I stopped to breathe. Then at 9am Friday morning, they lifted our evuavtion and I could go home! More goodbyes and packing followed. Tough but good. Sunday found me with 2 of my team members (Carol flew out of California), headed to the airport. We got there with plenty of time and took our time getting to our gate, only to find out our plane had been delayed. First an hour, then almost two and finally over two. When we landed in San Francisco, we raced across the airport, to arrive too late for our flight to Taiwan, which then lead to a flight to Bangkok. We were all filled with disappointment. I think, being tired and having had a stressful week, the rest looked grim. But God! After a harrowing, late night taxi ride through the streets of San Mateo, and a driver who tried to rip us off (God bless his socks off!), we ended up in the welcoming arms of the Comfort Inn. At 4:30am. A bit dazed, very tired and ready for sleep. God met me in my quiet time and promised me He had things under control and the morning would bring good things. Little did I know this stop in San Fran was JUST what He had ordered. We slept in and then, feeling refreshed, we headed out. We found a very cute place to eat called Kingston's Cafe and enjoyed fresh healthy food, great conversation and many books! We talked about the fire and debriefed about our weeks. Exactly what was needed. Now, we've just come from Fisherman's Wharf, Pier 39, where we enjoyed the sights, bought a few small souvenirs and ate like kings on fish and chips, clam chowder (in brea bowls no less!) and fried calamari. Pier 39 was my element. People and so many be aught sights, great smells and sounds! I was able to recharge my battery. My team leader told me that she's seen my beauty, but never so much as tonight when I was at home, with people. So, sometimes God says surprise, but remember this: He's our Daddy God and He only gives good gifts. Today's adventure has been one of the best I've ever experienced.

99 Degrees Means Frozen Lemonade

Today has been a true scorcher in more than one way.  The temperature was supposed to hit 99 degrees, but I think it's actually hotter than that.  We've got a raging wildfire burning thousands of acres, less than a mile away from us.  And no place seems truly cool.  I took refuge at Panera to write my paper, because the base feels so hot and there are too many distractions there.  I bought myself a frozen lemonade and sat down to write.  An hour later, I'm two-thirds done with the paper and in need of a brain-break.  So here I am, on my blog.

Only 5 days until we fly out of Denver for Thailand.  It seems to have rushed up all of a sudden.  Where did the time go?  The four of us, Karen, Carol, Sarah and myself will soon find ourselves where it is even hotter, if not degree-wise, certainly in humidity.  Hello big hair.  I'm not sure I have yet gotten my mind fully around the idea that I'm leaving the country so soon.  I'm not sure it will hit until I'm sitting on that plane.  Until then, I have a paper to write, bags to pack and massive amounts of errands to run.

This week has already been full of goodbyes.  The CDTS left on their outreach yesterday and today.  They have a total of three teams, two of which are going to Turkey and the third is going to Thailand.  I must confess, I am very excited about the possibility of getting to see the Thai team while we're in Chang Mai, about a month into the outreach.  A taste of home will be much appreciated at that point.

Well, that paper is calling to me again and it won't be quiet until I finish it.  Perhaps the next time I write, it shall be from Thailand!

Wow.

Can I just say that God is SO incredibly good?  Let me tell you, even in those moments when you don't think God is paying any attention to you, He most certainly is!  The last 3 months have really cemented that concept into my brain, in so very many ways. One that stands out to me recently, is walking into the mail room to find an anonymous check (crazy right?) for a rather large amount.  That completely floored me!  I definitely went screaming through the halls to tell people how good God is and how His people listen to Him.  Unbeknownst to whoever it was that sent it, it was exactly 3 months worth of support.

In the last 3 months, I have learned so many tools for both myself and to help others.  I have also learned SO much about myself.  We had a whole week dedicated to personality types and that was by far my favorite week.  We had to write a mission statement of sorts about ourselves after taking 10-12 different tests.  Obviously, it's just a brief overview, but here's mine: "I am an eternal optimist who knows who she is and isn't. I pursue harmony, mercy and value.  I'm trusting and a good listener.  I discern what is around me.  I look for intimate relationships while interacting with, including and empathizing with those around me.  I am full of humor, quick to smile and always dancing out my joy.  I'm an imaginative dreamer, looking for a grand adventure."  Wow.  God did a good job when He created me. ;)

In just eleven days, my small team heads out for Thailand.  There are just six of us: Brian and Megan, Carol, Karen, Sarah (our leader), and myself.  We get to work in several different locations.  In the first location, Chang Rai, we'll be involved in a college student ministry, as well as teaching staff and pastors some of the tools we've learned in this school.  After three weeks, we'll head to Chang Mai to teach in a DTS.  It's so cool to come full circle!  Just a year and a half ago, I was in a DTS, now I'll be teaching!  In the three weeks we have there, we will be teaching on Intercession & Hearing the Voice of God, The Plumbline and Inner Healing.  Then we'll spend a short time in Bangkok, coming along side a ministry that reaches out to the men who help perpetuate the sex trade! 

I'm so incredibly excited about teaching!  This right here, shows how much I've grown.  In our last few weeks of DTS, we had an oral exam, in which, we essentially had to teach on a topic for I believe, 15 minutes.  Several weeks ago, we had a week on teaching, in which we had to teach for 10 minutes in front of the whole class.  During my oral exam in London, I stuttered, stared at my computer and monologued the entire time.  It's a wonder I passed.  I did everything you're NOT supposed to do.  This time around, I felt so at home teaching!  And I was so excited to be doing it.  It's awesome how God can change our perspective on things, especially about ourselves. 

I feel like a whole new person, yet exactly the same.  The comment that was made to me a couple of weeks was that I come across as very attractive, because a woman who is walking out how God designed her to be, fully focused on Him, is very attractive to my brothers.  That blessed me so much.  I think I'm not quite there yet, but I'm getting there.  :)

"Speak up for those who have no voice, for the justice of all who are dispossessed.  Speak up, judge (make decisions) righteously and defend the cause of the oppressed and needy." (Proverbs 31:8-9)  This is the verse that God gave me upon praying about the next step.  I'm excited to see this fulfilled!

After I return from Thailand, I'll be headed back overseas to Israel for an undetermined period of time.  God hasn't told me exactly how long I'll be there yet.  So I'm waiting on Him.  Part of it, is I need to know what the next step after Israel is and as of this moment, He's not made that clear to me.  We shall see!

Please partner with me in prayer.  I am in the process of raising support and this is a intense, but cool step.  It's a part of the commissioning of my own separate ministry.  I'm still a part of my parents and sort of a branch off, but for now, our paths are differing.  It's exciting and nerve racking at the same time. 

Pray for:
-Support to come in
-Safety for my team and myself overseas
-Our impact on the people we come in contact with!
-Energy and refreshing!
-The next step on the Ella adventure.

Thank you guys!  I so appreciate ya'll.  :)

Drum Roll Please!

And after much prayer, the location that I will be doing my outreach is..... Thailand!!  :)  I will be doing the group outreach in Thailand, over July and August and coming back to Colorado for Debrief week and graduation.  I'm super excited!  Then in September, I'll be headed to Israel for a bit.  I'll post more in depth as the time gets nearer.  :)

Something Good Grows Here.

Hello! Sorry it has been a while since I last posted.  Life has been incredibly crazy.  I cannot believe we're already almost done with our fifth week here!  I know time doesn't actually speed up, but the last few weeks have certainly felt like it.

In recent weeks, I have learned about Listening Prayer and Inner Healing, more about Plumbline and gotten to help with Foundations, a class for the kiddos on base.  The last two weeks have been especially intense topics, reaching really deep within me to wounds I had long forgotten about or didn't even know existed any more (some blocking had happened), so that God could speak and do a healing work in those memories.  I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, but so glad for what God is doing in my heart.  More than ever now, I am convinced of my beauty (and not just in His sight!) and a better sense of belonging.  It's funny, because God is using situations in my life, even outside of the classroom to further work healing and teach principles.  My roommate told me the other day that I'm very easy to fall in love with.  My first reaction?  Hah.  This was said internally of course, but whereas before I wouldn't have even batted an eyelash at that thought, now, I pretty quickly stopped and examined that thought and the beliefs behind it.  Things like that.

This week's meditation verse was Isaiah 61:1-3 and the part that stood out to me especially was the end of verse 3, in which is talks about trading our despair for splendid clothes and then goes on to talk about trees of righteousness.  I think it probably stood out to me to begin with because I'm a girl and I love clothes and beautiful things.  I had a revelation though today while reading it.  In this life, wounds and hurts happen and this can warp our personalities, even to the point that we can be nothing like we were originally designed to be.  When Christ comes in and works healing, we trade the despair of our warped personalities for the glorious splendor of our original designs.  We become what He intended, the position where we most glorify God.  Then it says that we will become like righteous trees, planted by the Lord, to glorify Him.  Trees keep growing.  They are strength.  They provide shelter and shade.  They also can cause new little trees to grow.  This is glorifying to our God.  This is what I desire.

Well, we found out where the group outreach will be!  Thailand!  It's not a mandatory outreach, as we have 3 different options to fulfill that part of our requirements.  I am prayerfully considering my options.  I shall let you know more as God lets me know.  ;)

Well, I suppose I should stop putting off my Character Study.  I'm endeavoring to get a head start on it.  Less pressure that way.  :)  Thank you so much for your continued support!  Your prayers mean SO much to me!

Exciting Things!

Two weeks!  A full two weeks have gone by, and it seems on the one hand, incredibly fast and on the other, so slow. During this time, I have made further progress in learning about my true identity.  I think the biggest discovery I had about my identity was that I had pursued something of the self-discovery instead of a God-based design.  When I had that revelation, I noticed a few things that need to go.  I think the Ella that has been is about 95% Ella, but there's 5% chaff that God wants to deal with.  I want to be 150% Ella by the end of this.  ;)

This past week was on Active Listening and Rational Christian Thinking, otherwise known as Cognitive Therapy.  Super good stuff!  The listening side of things was something God has been teaching me throughout my life and strangely enough through my job.  In GNC, they emphasize open-ended questions to get to the bottom of the need.  In actively listening to someone, this is key.  So cool how that ties in!  The Cognitive therapy is a work in process.  We learned the A.B.C.D. model.  Or Activator, Beliefs, Consequential Emotions or feelings and Demonstrating action.  Eric Spady was our teacher for the week and he gave us a brand new tool for our tool belt and that is the Heart Chart!  Using the ABCD model, we learned tools to reframe false beliefs about ourselves and others.  And of course, on the practice one, I went deep immediately and spent the next ten minutes hiding behind my hair trying to conceal the fact that I was crying.  But it's good!  Let's start with a good foundation and build a plumb building, according to Abba's specs!  :)

Now, as to the ipod touch situation.  God has answered prayers and of course, as is typical to our creative God, it is not how I thought He would answer.  I thought He would cause my ipod to just show back up, but no.  Greta has been lost for good, I fear.  But that does not mean He has not provided.  In fact, He allowed my ipod to disappear and is now blessing me with something even better!  My parents are blessing me and going in with me on a new iphone, same memory size as my old ipod touch, that will actually work when I'm out of the country.  What an upgrade!  It's one of those things where, it causes my faith in His provision to grow.  Money is no object to Him.  He just has to sell a cow.  ;)

And I've saved the best news for last!  I have not heard where my outreach location for this school will be, but I do know that I will be in Israel come September!  Such a crazy step!  I'm not sure exactly when I'll arrive or the exact duration of my stay.  I do know that God has said I'm to partner up with my friends, the Hills.  I'll be watching their two little boys, Gideon and Ezekiel, for two weeks, while they serve in the Feast of Tabernacles celebration.  I'm so incredibly excited!  Anyone who's known me for very long, knows my heart is to go there, to be there.  And God is giving me this opportunity.  Prayers are much appreciated.  Also, if you would like to partner with this next step, I'll be posting information soon.  :)

Identity and Trust

We have officially made it through our first week of FCM. There are 20 students in total, ranging from 18 to somewhere around 60 years of age. Lots of diversity in ages, which is really good. I'm excited to see how God is going to use that.

This week's theme was identity and our original design. It was definitely an emotionally intense week, but oh the goodness that shall come from it. :) God used people, quite new to my life, to speak truth about who I am and the obstacles to my walking out my original design. So very cool. :)

Today, I met up with a friend from my Summit days and attended church with her. I enjoyed that very much. There is so much beauty in tradition, responsive prayer and things like the Nicene Creed. It speaks to my soul. After I left Jody, I went and picked up some lunch, then drove to Garden of the Gods and had a wee picnic. This is what Sundays were meant to be, I'm sure.

God is meeting my every need. It is incredible the way that He is nourishing me, heart and soul. I am like a crusty sponge that is just absorbing His presence. Thank You Abba for this time. Lead me, guide me.

I do have one prayer request. It might seem silly to you, but it's pretty important to me. I lost my ipod touch last night. I went with friends to a coffee shop called Jives and pulled it out there. I distinctly remember throwing it into my purse, however, when I got home, I couldn't find it anywhere. I went through my car probably a total of 3 times, my bedroom 3 times and then drove back to the coffee shop and together with the guy working there, searched and even went through the trash. I have absolutely no idea where it might be. If it had been any other thing, I could easily replace it, but this is something I had to save up for months for and it's an important tool for research during class, keeping in touch with family and friends (especially during outreach) and of course my music. If you would pray that God would release the Ipod or make the Enemy give it back, I would definitely appreciate it!

Break Time

Last week was full of goodbyes. So many encouraging words were spoken over me and my soul is in the process of soaking them all in. I don't know that those who spoke the words truly know how much my heart needed to hear them, especially as they were coming from those who know my heart, who know me. Those last few days are just full of sweet memories. I think I have decided that I hate goodbyes, but I love the moments leading up to them. Strange, I know.

Tuesday was Day 1 of this grand adventure. I drove from Lansing Michigan, to Kansas City Missouri... by myself! I feel quite accomplished now. I'm ready to take on the world and conquer!

I will be here in Kansas City, staying with friends until Wednesday morning. It's just what I need. A break, before pushing hard.

Yesterday, we took a roadtrip to visit Lawrence, KS.

We walked around the cute little town, then had dinner at a place called the Mad Greek.

(Photos stolen from Hannah and Grace)

This week I'm planning on spending some time in the Prayer Room and getting my book read before classes start. In the last month, life was so incredibly busy and emotionally draining, that I haven't felt the opportunity to breathe. This week, I feel is the time for me to breathe and soak, before hitting the grind. I'm not exactly sure what the Lord has prepared for me in Colorado, but I know that it's not going to be all sunshine and roses. But I am excited and ready for His hands to continue to shape me! Thank you so much for all the prayers and support you've given me! Please keep those prayers going heavenward. :) I love you all!

Bittersweet Endings

I am tired. My body is telling me that it is 1:05, but my brain sees 12:05 and tells me I cannot go to sleep just yet. Words brew in my head and I feel the need to write them down. So here I find myself, sitting in front of my computer, a cup of lemonade to my right and a sleeping dog to my left.

The past few weeks have been full of emotional ups and downs. I'm incredibly excited for this school I'm starting April 5th, but I'm also dreading the leaving, not to mention life as we know it in Michigan. In the next two weeks, I need to seriously sort through all of my stuff and get rid of a lot of excess. Then I need to decide what to take and what to pack into boxes. I don't know exactly why, but that is the instructions I have from God. I do not know if He will have me stay in Colorado, or go someplace completely different, or come back here and this is just a trust exercise. But I want to be found faithful in the little things. This is the first time, that I truly feel like after this step, I have no direction. That may not seem like a big deal to you, after all, it's 6 months out, but it's a big deal to me. It's scary. It's exciting. And it's got my stomach tied up in knots at times. This and other things are teaching me peace that passes understanding. Setting my face like flint. Living my life for an Audience of One, not simply an audience. It is not what the audience thinks of me that determines who I am, but what the Audience of One thinks.

The next two and a half weeks will be filled with goodbyes and lasts. Those are so bittersweet. Every time I leave someplace, it seems as though, the last two weeks are always the best two weeks spent in that place. Why is that? What causes that phenomenon? I don't have an answer, but I'll keep thinking. So here I go. Bittersweet Endings.

Chief of Sinners

I have been telling myself for about two months to sit down and write this blog. No, I do not ever procrastinate. ;)

It is official. In 5 weeks and 2 days, I begin my journey to Colorado. I will stop in Kansas City for a week, before arriving in Colorado Springs to begin the Foundations for Counseling Ministry school with the YWAM base there. I feel as though I waited so long for the decision that now, the actual date for my departure is coming up so incredibly quick. I am more torn in getting ready for this new adventure. Before, when I headed off to London, it was mostly excitement at the great new journey that was to begin. There was a little trepidation, mostly at the distance I would be from home. Crossing a great big ocean for a first move is kind of a big deal. With this new venture I'm about to embark on, I am half excited and half sad. Before, I did not have many roots in Michigan, just family. Now, I have more. I've made some lovely friends, both at work and at church, and plugged into a life here. It will be harder to say goodbye, especially as I have no idea what God's plans are for me after this school. Going into my DTS, I knew I would be coming back here after the school was over, but with FCM, I have no such leading, no leading at all. So it is another exercise in trusting and obeying. Onward and upward! :)

This week, I was challenged with a question. Who do I have the greatest tendency to put before Jesus? I didn't have to think long before the answer came. Me. I wish that I could say other people or animals or something that might even seem semi-noble, but the hard cold fact is that when Jesus is replaced on the throne of my life, it is by me. That challenged me even more, because I realized that I had put myself back on the throne. I am currently "in charge", or as in charge as we think we can be. Do you know when you know you're doing something you shouldn't and yet you just don't want to stop? "Oh but I deserve this." "Oh, I've worked so hard." "Oh, that accomplishment was really me." "Oh, I want that and I just don't care about consequences." Yeahhhh, guilty.

Jesus. Take back the throne. I want to surrender to You.

Then tonight in small group, we talked about stains. Things we have done or are doing that we think will keep us from being useful or having a deep relationship with Jesus. I realize my greatest stronghold, when allowing myself to reign, is that I've done such and so, so obviously I can't really do what He wants. Throughout the conversation, I don't know if it was actually said, or just a God-download, that I'm SURE He's tried to get through to me before. It is because of such and so that He can use me. If I was without stain, there is no great love story. There is no Jesus reaching down into my mire and pulling me out and loving me, covered in goo and mud. There is no cleaning process. There is none of the consequence of others knowing of this great love story.

The phrase "Chief of Sinners" has been running through my head all day. Paul talks about that in 1 Timothy 1:15-17. I had been thinking about it in conjunction with wanting my stains to be used, to tell the story. Then I actually read the verses. "This saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance: 'Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners'-and I am the worst of them. But I received mercy because of this, so that in me, the worst [of them], Christ Jesus might demonstrate the utmost patience as an example to those who would believe in Him for eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen" Perfection. :)

So while I am still Chief of Sinners, I no long want that to be my excuse. I want that to be my reason.

I shall endeavor to do a better job at keeping you updated, especially as FCM approaches and then is upon me. Exciting things are ahead!